My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
You Might Also Like
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
*looks at you in batman voice*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
sistine chapel
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”