I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
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Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.