On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
When I said I liked it rough.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second