I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?