Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Got him!
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey