LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”