Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.