Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Barbie gone wild
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”