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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I love you…
…r dog.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?