Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
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I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge