On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.