No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. đ
*later to thugs* They know too much.
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kidâs, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… itâs a good movie smh
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I saw a spider crawl under my kidâs bed and was too tired to go after it, but thatâs okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
đđ
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillinâ
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients youâd never eat together. Itâs always like âBasil and Butterscotchâ or âHoney and Clam.â
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.