People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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next level snooze
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.