Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
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Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”