i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.