My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.