I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
guys i’ve cracked the code
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
crochet youtube is brutal
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.