My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.