met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? ๐๐
You Might Also Like
When you โpspspspโ too hard
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Itโs so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that โyou gonna fix this shit?โ look.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. heโs probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
โItโs-a me… Whereโs-a Thanos?โ
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. Iโve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt weโll ever find the guy who did it
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
saying โjames?โ to my mom when i open her car door so people think itโs an uber
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when Iโm hungry. I donโt understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car itโs called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka