REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
we’re gonna need another temp
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”