Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
This is so me 😂😂
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?