Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
You Might Also Like
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.