ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.