Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.