local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
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I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”