Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Camping tip: No.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there