How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.