That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Boating season is upon us.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Comparing yourself to others
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You sure about that?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?