professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO