Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
bro what is going on at twitter
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.