it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
welp
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*