plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Extremely relatable.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up