Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.