My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.