WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I laughed at this way too hard.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”