People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?