I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
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[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator