Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣