Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Catercrombie & Fish
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me too
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*3.5 thank you very much.