Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
🤣🤣🤣
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*