I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
OH. COME. ON.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Beware of the dog..
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.