8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
You Might Also Like
This hospital has everything
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego