Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
This is enough internet for the day.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”