No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
(by @ZachWeiner )
Mornin
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs