I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
She puts the hot in psychotic
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.