Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
i can’t wait that long
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips