DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife