I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
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Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one