I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
You Might Also Like
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.