wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I think about this a lot
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on